Tuesday, November 12, 2013


The leaves have all fallen from the trees. I woke to snow this morning, and was late for my 6am yoga class because I didn't get up in time to brush off the car. It wasn't the first frost of the season, but I still found myself blinking in disbelief.

I'm not sure what I expect. Summer to grace us with a few more days in mid-November? A chance to rake the fall leaves and winter-proof the yard before it's covered in white? That would be reasonable, but no. I want more than that. A reprieve. A pause button in time. A moment to catch up.

Winter's coming so fast, and I'm unprepared.

*   *   *

I'm pregnant.

It was an accident, if it can really be called an accident when it's the third potential accident in the last year. Probably doesn't qualify anymore at that point. But it came as a surprise that Saturday morning in August when the test strip turned immediately pink. And it's still coming as a surprise three months later; I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

Where will the baby sleep? We're short a bedroom. How will I run my business? I'm short-staffed. Who's paying for a maternity leave? I'm short on ideas. And savings.

I'm thrilled to have another baby, but oh, I'm so unprepared.

*   *   *

When I told my mom I was expecting, she said: I thought you had a plan! You were going to see how things went for a year with your business and then decide!

I smiled, but there were tears stepping hard on the heels of my smile, and I shrugged and choked out the only word I could say: Whoops!

She smiled and said: We had a couple of those, too.

I love my mom. She gave us a wonderful childhood, a life full of soft places to land, sweetness, and plenty of space to grow into ourselves. And you know, if asked to describe her, I'd probably never choose the word prepared.

*   *   *

Winter is coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Spring will follow, like it always does. And right around the time Easter arrives, so will my baby.

If the fall leaves get trapped under a blanket of snow, then so be it. If my maternity leave goes unfunded, it won't be the first or the last one to end up that way, I'm sure.

I can only put one foot in front of the other. I'm unprepared for the future, it's true. But I can get through today.

Maybe that's enough.

1 comment:

  1. I haven't been blogging much lately, but now that I'm almost 38 weeks pregnant with #3, I went back to look at my blog, and also came back to your blog. What a coincidence that you also have a not entirely expected boy on the way! Congratulations and all the best with the adaptation! We were also thrown off guard for a while, but hope we are close to ready now! If you keep posting, I'd love to read your updates, though I entirely understand if life has become too busy for blogging.